To me, life isn’t about finding my self, it’s about losing my self. I know who I am. I am a timid and modest young adult, afraid of conversation and standing out. I’m intelligent and responsible, full of duties and expectations. I know who I am and I know who I am to become. I will marry an equally timid, intelligent, honest man. We will have three kids and i’ll lose my career to take care of them. An individual, i’ll never be, but then again an individual, I never was. I am friend, sister, daughter, and student and I will become mom and wife. I know who I am, but I don’t want to be that person. I want adventure, excitement and risk. I want to be outgoing and desirable. I don’t want reason and duties. I don’t want a husband and I don’t want kids. I don’t want to be a list of labels, I want to be an individual. I’m terrified. I feel like I’m trapped inside a room made of rules, expectations, and norms. I feel like my entire life is closing in on me and if i’m not quick enough I won’t be able to escape it. What is it in me that desires so much more than what I can have? It’s as if I’m torn in two pieces. One of me says that I should accept the life I’m given and be content. This side knows I’ll be happy no matter the situation, it’s in my nature. But the other part tells me to get out while I can. If I remain, I’ll be dead long before my heart stops beating. It’s just as much in my nature for me to dream of better things. What’s so wrong about wanting more than life can offer you?
Today marks the first step of a new journey for me: blogging. I don’t expect anyone, other than myself, to read this and I’m almost hoping no one else will. I’m not writing this for anyone else, this is solely for me. I’m one who has a knack for starting a hobby and then giving it up after a week, so we shall see how long this lasts. There’s no theme to this blog, it is merely the thoughts, ideas, concerns, and ramblings of an average person. I should inform you, though, that I’m not an exceptional writer (or an exceptional anything for that matter), I’m just an avid thinker. You can look forward to countless run-on sentences and grammar mistakes. With that said, I think I’ll conclude my first post. Thank you so very much for taking the time not to read this.
Ttfn – Ta ta for now,