Send Me On My Way

leaving

Given all the time I have to ponder throughout the day, I do a lot of thinking about things that make me me. I’ve decided that I know why I avoid commitment like the plague. Now, I’m not just talking about commitment as in the marital sense, though that is definitely included; no, I mean commitment in every sense. For some reason I absolutely hate the idea of long-term investment, no matter what that investment might be. I would never buy a permanent home, or purchase a fancy car, or say “I do,” or really even buy any item that costs more than a hundred or so dollars. I mean, I can barely maintain a friendship any longer than four or five years! And it’s not because I don’t want these things, believe I do. I, like every normal being, have spent hours designing my dream home; the big, open windows and the little coffee table that sits in the library facing the sunrise. I’ve spent many a daydream romanticizing about my perfect husband, honeymoon, dream ring, and dress. And don’t get me started on my perfect set of wheels… But the thing is, as great as these things are, I don’t see myself ever actually investing in one.

I think the reason is that somewhere, deep down, I have an overwhelming belief that everything comes to an end. No matter how great something is, things get broken, people leave, and life changes. So if this is true, why bother holding on to it in the first place? Why buy a fancy electronic if a new model will come out the next year? Why buy a brand-new vehicle if I’ll most likely scratch it, wreck it, or sell it in a few years? Marriages end in divorce, kids grow up and leave, friends move on, relatives die, people get fired, I mean it sounds pessimistic but it’s the truth! But I don’t see it as a bad thing; to me, this realization couldn’t be more liberating. The fact that nothing is permanent means that neither am I. If things break and people leave and times changes, than so can I. I can break and I can leave and I can change. I don’t have to be the same person I was a year ago, not even a day ago. I don’t have to live in the same place my entire life or work at the same job!

Truth is… I don’t want these commitments because I don’t want to be responsible for them when they do end. I don’t want to be the one left picking up the broken pieces, I don’t want to be the one who’s left behind… So I do the leaving. It hurts less this way.

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